There is one reason, and one reason only, why the earth has not been pulverized into a heap of gray slag and rubble, devoid of all life except maybe for certain pesky micro-organisms and cockroaches and Twinkies: The monsters choose not to destroy us.
 
So say the folks of Studio Kaiju (a Japanese word which means "strange beast--oooh, scary), who stages battles (or battels, as the Kaiju folks spell it, and who argues about spelling when the planet’s existence is at stake?) between the forces of good and evil embodied by the monsters—that’s right, the monsters—who walk among us now and always have and always will. Not dweeby, cartoon-like Frankenstein monsters mind you. We’re talking six-ton beetles in Wonder Woman leotards and 64-ton dust bunnies, robots and cubeheads, and a tomato-red simian named Hell Monkey who weighs “666 bananas stacked end to end.” Anyhow, the Kaiju party line goes like this: the studio has somehow convinced these monsters to fight each other instead of us, which so far has meant peace on earth and, sort of like a bonus, some good old-fashioned monster-on-monster, mano y mano melees.                                

Although the Kaiju folks claim their monsters go back to the Mesozoic Era, [sorry, sweets, but McCain-is-old humor officially became unfunny in 1996] the big Battels didn’t begin until 1994, the first one held at Boston’s Revolving Museum (the Revolving Museum is in Lowell now, and it’s a really cool place where kids especially can go and make art; take it from us, a nice little Boldfacer excursion). Knowing they were onto something strange and weird and wonderful, the Kaiju cohorts continued creating and battling. Today there are about thirty-five Studio Kaiju creatures.

The costumes, made in Kaiju’s Somerville headquarters, take anywhere from three weeks to three months to stitch together. Volunteers are welcome to help, and welcome to audition to perform. A troupe of performers rehearses and rehearses, and, voila, entertainment on age-old gladiatorial themes. The multimedia matches, which more or less parallel professional wrestling matches, include video and music as well as the Battel (apparently some Kaiju folks misspelled “battle” on a T shirt once, and the misspelling stuck) and of course a really loud emcee with hair that only a mother could love.

According to Studio Kaiju’s publicist, the outfit is the “silent protector of the universe”—and Boldfacers know how unbiased publicists are—but the Battels look like a lot of fun, anyway. And if you’re a betting Boldfacer (and what’s life without a little wager now and then—like that Superbowl last where the undefeated Patriots had no chance of losing to the Giants and…never mind) we’ve been told you can’t go wrong plunking down some dough down on Steam Power Tentacle Boulder or Neo Teppen.

So next time you’re out and about enjoying the latest snow banks or window shopping for that oh so special someone in your life, take a moment to reflect on the fact that no monster is going to squash your head with its genetically altered, super-sized left foot. That’s cause the monsters are too busy and too satisfied bopping each other. And it’s all thanks to the monstrously appealing monsters and other assorted characters at Studio Kaiju.


Kaiju Big Battel
www.kaiju.com